Saturday, June 30, 2012

A Story of Goodbye.

I am in what I like to consider several monogamous relationships. The most important one I am in is my marriage. Being monogamous isn't hard for me, I have been with my husband since I was 19, monogamy comes naturally to me and always has. But, when it came time to lose the weight and get healthy, I entered into a relationship out side of my marriage. A relationship with myself. It is so easy for us to get so tied up in a relationship that we lose sight of ourselves, GUILTY! Then add motherhood into the mix and you can easily fall into the trap that you lose yourself completely. You are on autopilot, obviously breathing, but going through the motions day in and day out trying to make everyone else happy, trying to keep peace within you home, if for no other reason, but your sanity.

I lived that way for years. I lived for my sisters when they needed me to. When we lost our brothers, I went through the motions of being their rock, the person to hold them when they cried. To tell them it will be ok. To protect them when the world wasn't so kind. I live for my husband when he needs me, because let's face it they would be lost without their wives ;) I live and breathe for Jayce, putting his needs above my own.

One day you have to realize that if you don't take care of YOU, there will be no one around to take care of them, to be their rock, to be their shelter. As a mother, this is the hardest lesson of all. So, I took the leap and entered into a relationship with me. Deciding that, even if for just a few moments a day, I would take some time and focus it on me. This inevitably let to a daily ritual of waking up, empyting my bladder, stripping down and stepping on the scale. The scale and I have had our ups and downs just like any other relationship. But I still would see him at least on a weekly basis, but more often then not, I would meet up with him on a near daily basis. And the relationship was a healthy one. I loved seeing the numbers go down with all of my hard work.

But the inevitable occurred. The scale stopped moving. And to be honest with all of my readers, it has moved up and down the same f-ing pound for over 8 weeks!!!!!! So my healthy relationship has now reached a very volatile stage. One that involves me stepping on the scale several times a DAY in hope od figuring out what in the hell is going on.

What I have decided is this: MY BODY HATES ME! Ok, well that may be a tad dramatic, but it does seem that my body is comfortable at this weigh (175 if you are wondering). After losing 82 pounds my body has decided that it will not allow me to reach the 100 pounds mark.

So here is my plan! It is time to listen to my body. I purchased a FitBit ( to help me see when I need to be more active, to tell me EXACTLY how many calories I have burned so I know EXACTLY how many I can eat to create an exact deficit. I have also decided to start cleaning up my diet again. And the biggest and by far the hardest decision so far...


I am removing the batteries and putting it away. I stepped on it for the last time this morning. I will not be stepping on that scale again until August 1. One entire month with no weighing in. One entire month of me focusing on my eating, but most importantly, focusing on Turbo Fire and on getting down to a 30 min 5k. One month of focusing on toning and tightening to get in to my goal SIZE. That is right, I have a goal weight in mind, but in this stage of the game, I need to focus on my body and what it is telling me.

I hope you continue to follow me as I go bat shit crazy over the next month without my scale!

PS-if you are on My Fitness Pal, add me! amberd0626 :)

Until next time!  

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