Monday, February 3, 2014

It's not failure, unless you quit.

After a pelvic injury with Everleigh's delivery (that story is coming soon!) I have been seeing a chiropractor. After several weeks, he finally gave me the go ahead to begin SLOWLY getting back into running. THIS was the news I have been waiting for!

So, today was the day! I laced up my running shoes and shoved my oversized nursing boobs into a sports bra. You are welcome for the touch of TMI. I got water and headed to my treadmill. My Couch to 5k app had been downloaded and I was ready!

I stepped on the treadmill, started the app and got some Matchbox 20 blaring on my phone and hit start!! 5 minute walking warm up, no problem! Then the app tells me to run for 60 seconds. I increase my speed and I started a nice easy jog. Within 10 seconds, the spots above my butt on both sides of my lower back started screaming. I finished a painful minute and I stretched thinking I just needed to warm up and it would be fine. I was in a lot of pain, but I decided to stick with it.


It is not who I am. I push through. I am focused and determined.

But with each minute of running, I was in pain. My lungs were fine, my legs were fine! My low back/tailbone? Not fine. After 3 one minute increments, I was hurting and near tears. I pulled the emergency stop sensor, threw it in the cup holder and stormed off. I then took myself to the shower and had a good cry.

I didn't cry in pain. I cried out of disappointment. I am so disappointed that my body hurt. That it wasn't ready. That I let myself get so fat during my pregnancy. That after all of this waiting, my body won't let me run. I am so mad at my body. I let myself down. I let my body down.

Yes, I had a baby. Yes, my body has to heal. I don't want excuses. I don't want sympathy.

I want my body to get on board. I want my body to WANT to help me with this weight loss. The longer I can't run, the further away my weight loss goals seem.

It IS dramamtic, but I feel like I will always be over 200 pounds. The light at the end of the tunnel was being able to run. When I run, I am more focused on eating better and taking care of myself.

What a massive let down this morning. What a horrible way to get back into running.

In my weight loss journey, it has always been hard. I have always wanted to quit. I never did. Until today. Walking away from the treadmill was the hardest thing I have done, but in the moment I was so pissed off that I couldn't think straight.

I gave myself a good talking to. I am not a quitter. But I am also not as strong as I was before I found out I was pregnant just a year ago. I have to start over. I have done it before. I WILL DO IT AGAIN.

Meanwhile, I will be discussing my options with my chiropractor and working on a walking regimen.

And my eating? Yep, I will be in control of that as well. In fact, I may even be sharing some recipes with you :)

This is just a small bump in the road. I will overcome. I have to. 

Until next time!