Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Day 9: Where is the love?

It is kinda crazy, you know? To love a child that doesn't exist to you yet.

I mean, when I found out I was pregnant with with my children, both times the love was instant. I found out super early with both of my pregnancies. I fell head over heels in love with a tiny cluster of cells. Like all consuming love. I would think and dream about what they would look like, who they would be.

With every passing week, I would fall more in love with them. I had never met them. I had never seen them, but I knew I would love them. They were mine. They were ours. I would lay in bed in the morning, just to have a few minutes of solitude to feel them kick and roll around. My pregnancies were not easy, but I cherished those quiet moments. The moments when I wouldn't have to share them. They were just mine. I grew them for almost 40 weeks. They survived off of me. How could you not fall in love with the tiny little human that you are growing?

Now, I am not pregnant in the conventional sense, but we are embarking on a journey to bring our daughter home from China.

How can you love someone that you don't know? Someone you have never seen? Someone you can't feel but know they exist?

I don't know how. I just know that you can.

I am in love with a little girl that I don't even know. I haven't seen her face, we haven't even been matched yet.

And yet at night, I pray for her like I do my 2 children here. I send her love because I know she is waiting for me. I dream about what she will look like, who she will be.

But, there is so much tragedy in this journey. For 40 weeks, another woman loved her. Dreamed of what she would look like. Maybe she laid in bed feeling her soft kicks and rolls. She looked into her eyes and decided that she couldn't keep her. That someone else would be her mommy.

Can you feel the weight of that? I can. I feel that weight on my chest in many moments.

I may not know our little girl yet, but I know she is a fighter. I know that the love I feel for her is the same I felt from the minute we found out we were pregnant. I knew in the moment that we decided to move forward that I would love her and not even know who she is yet.  I lay in bed and think about this journey and I think about the fact that our daughter has probably already been born and she is waiting on us to bring her to where she belongs. With each passing week, I love her more.

This paper pregnancy will far exceed 40 weeks, but it's ok. She may not be growing in my belly but she is growing in our hearts <3

And, so you may hear me speak of her, like I know who she is. You may think that's weird. But I do know who she is. And I know she is waiting for us. For that reason, we will continue to do whatever we need to do to get the paperwork done, the fund raised and get a move on our journey to bring her home <3


  1. I think it's truly amazing to grow a love for a child you haven't met , I know God puts people in the right places at the right time and I believe with all my heart he is putting you with this sweet little girl because of the love you carry in your heart! I can't wait to see your family grow ❤️

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  3. You & Steve inspire me everyday. I can't wait to meet your little girl. She has a huge extended family waiting to love on her everyday!!!

    1. She is going to be so blessed by so many people, we can't wait for you and Keilani to meet her <3