Sunday, December 1, 2013

We have to fail in order to succeed, right?

I have gone back and forth about writing this post. But, I think I have to talk about how I have been feeling. If you have been following my blog then you know that before I got pregnant with Everleigh, I had lost 85 pounds, was running and exercising regularly and I was most importantly, healthy. Then an unexpected pregnancy happened and after 2 years of healthy eating and hard work, I decided to enjoy my pregnancy. Isn't is always so easy to say we will not gain too much weight? But, I had been controlled for 2 years and let's face it, I have dieted my entire life, so I felt I "deserved" to eat how I wanted while pregnant. Problem was that the 2nd pregnancy was harder on my body than I anticipated and because of that, exercise got pushed to the side. So, I with every passing week, I gained. I gained more than needed. And while I didnt get quite as big as I did with Jayce, I did get within 15 pounds of that pregnancy.

What I was left with following Everleigh's delivery, is a body I despise. I was finally comfortable in my own skin. And now? Now my belly is stretched out and I swear it looks like I am wearing a deflated tire around my abdomen. None of my pants (even my fat pants) are even close to fitting. All of my shirts are too tight and too short thanks to my nursing boobs ( I don't hate the boobs, that is a necessary evil of giving my sweet girl the best nutrition). I still wear maternity pants as I only bought 2 pairs of jeans post partum. I refuse to buy more. And I refuse to go back into a dressing room right now. Just looking at my naked body in a mirror makes me cringe.

That being said, I am not an idiot. I know it takes time. I also know that I have to be proactive. So, I went back to Weight Watchers. I am working the program like it is supposed to be worked and I am seeing results. And I am beyond happy with that. So, I figured things were going well so maybe I could start exercising. Let me preface this by saying Everleigh's delivery did a number on my pelvis. (Her labor story is coming later this week!) For 3 weeks following her delivery, I could hardly get on and off of the couch because my pubic bone hurt so bad. I was near tears on more than one occasion and anything more than a short walk around my house would leave me in pain. Even though it still gets sore, I figured I could at least give working out a shot.

And what better way than to do the Turkey Trot 5k that I have completed the past 2 years? I planned on running it, despite not working out since having Everleigh. I went in with the plan to run 2 minutes, walk 1 minute ratio. Even untrained, that was doable. So, the night before the race, I went through my running gear in an effort to find something to wear. After several bags of clothes and being near tears, I finally found something. Too tight but doable.

On Thanksgiving, I laced up my running shoes. 8 weeks to the day since I had delivered my sweet girl. I knew it wouldn't be fast, but I was feeling somewhat confident. We lined up and off we went. Within 30 seconds, I realized my pelvis was sore. By a minute in, it hurt. By mile one, running even for short bursts was no longer an option. Even walking hurt. I did finish the race. But as I crossed the line, instead of being happy, I felt like a failure.

In 9 months, I failed my body. I let it get fat and unhealthy again. I couldn't help wonder if I had stayed active if maybe my pelvis would have healed faster. Maybe this is ridiculous to you. I mean, I KNOW I just had a baby. I know that having a child isn't easy on your body. But that doesn't change how I feel about myself. I let myself down. I let my body down and I reversed all of the good I had done for my body.

The worst part for me is knowing that in 12 weeks, I am scheduled to complete the Glass Slipper Challenge at Disney World. That is 6.2 miles on Saturday and 13.1 miles on Sunday. I can't even run for 2 minute increments without feeling as though I am splitting my pelvis in half. How can I possibly train for this event? So after feeling sorry for myself, I posted in my running group about my concerns. They validated my concerns, but let me know that I am still so early post partum that running just may not be feasible right now. And I know I am only 8 weeks post partum, but I guess I just assumed that was MORE than enough time. But, I assumed wrong. Very wrong.

After that, I decided to do some research to see how I could train. Training is so important, not only for my body but because Disney requires you to be under a 16 minute mile or they will "sweep" you off of the course for being too slow. Which is a fear of mine. Always has been. After a lot of thinking and research, I made a decision. And since I believe in putting things into the universe, I am going to share it with you.

I am going to train with Hal Higdon's "Walk a Half Marathon" plan. It is a plan designed so that I can train to walk the entire race. That being said, it also allows me the opportunity to add jogging within the program when I am ready. I know I have to start slow, and this walking program is ideal for that. My hope is that after 4 weeks of training with the walking program, that I will be able to add in joggin increments enough so that I can hit and maintain a 15 minute mile for the entire half marathon which will in turn give me a cushion to keep me from being swept. All of that being said, I WILL give this training my all. I will NOT be ashamed that I am walking most of this half marathon. There is NO failure in completing 19.3 miles in 2 days. NONE. I will NOT get swept off of the course. And I WILL *try* to be easier on myself. Because I know I can "fix" all of this. Just have to shift my focus and make it happen. I do hope that you will continue to follow me on this journey <3

Until next time!

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