Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Pregnancy and this former fat girl!

I have gone back and forth over the past 2 months, about what to blog about while I am pregnant. And today, as I was in the dressing room of Motherhood, trying on dresses, it hit me.

Pregnancy is an AMAZING thing that our bodies do. But sometimes what it DOES to us is not as attractive. You can read every pregnancy book under the sun, and it will tell you how much you should gain in your first, second and third trimester. Nothing makes a woman feel worse about herself than when she gains more.

If you are a follower of my blog, and know my struggles, then you know I am pretty disciplined. I work hard to achieve a goal, I work harder to maintain it. And when I found out I was pregnant, I immediately came up with a plan of action. One that involved how often I was going to workout, and how I was going to eat.

And then....pregnancy hit me. I ate to keep from getting sick, I was so tired I napped daily while my toddler napped, and I could barely function. I ate junk because quite frankly it was the only thing that appealed to me.

4-5 pounds in the first trimester? I gained more like 12. Yep I said it. Do you know what 12 pounds did to my body? 2 cup sizes, I hate my arms and my hips are already wider. I feel incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel fat, not pregnant. I spend my day tugging at my sleeves because my arms feel so incredibly fat that I can't stand it.

Now maybe I am not HUGE yet, but let me tell you, when you take a girl who JUST started feeling a LITTLE comfortable in her own skin and pack on 12 pounds in a matter of 13 weeks, it is HARD. I nearly cried in the dressing room today looking at my changing body. Please, don't get me wrong I love my little belly. And I LOVE growing our beautiful little jelly bean. But, I have struggled with my body my entire life. I see cute pregnant girls all over who only have a belly. I am not nor do I ever anticipate being that girl. I swell, I gain weight all over, and I do not feel cute in anyway.

Tomorrow I hit the 2nd trimester. And I keep telling myself, I will be fine. I won't gain too much weight. BUT, I want to be honest here. When you have spent your entire life worrying about your weight, you spend A LOT of time restricting everything you eat. You eat diet foods, and you drink diet sodas and consume artificial sweeteners.

I have done ALL of that for YEARS. And when I am pregnant, I do not consume diet foods and I completely drop artificial sweeteners (which is the hardest thing for me to do. I have a serious addiction to them) and when I do this, it is literally CRAZY easy to gain 5-10 pounds in just 2-3 weeks. Think about the MASSIVE adjustment my body makes when I shock it like that. So honestly, the gain I have seen SHOULD level off.

But that leaves me with...what it it doesn't? What if I gain too much? What defines too much?

Right now, I don't have those answers, what I DO have is this. Pregnancy is 9 months of your life, maybe it is not a free for all, but when this baby is out, I won't be eating cheesefries again, and I will be restrictive of my diet and 6 weeks post baby, I go into training for a half marathon in only 12 weeks. So what I will say is this, I don't want to gain a ridiculous amount of weight, BUT I also will not restrict myself. There is plenty of time for restriction and discipline post baby :)

So from now until October, I guess you will get to hear about my pregnancy struggles, and all of the SUPER exciting things I will be experiencing over the next couple of months <3

Until next time!

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