Friday, March 23, 2012

"Why do you do this to yourself??"

Every time I come in from a run and look like death, Steve looks at me and says "Why do you do that to yourself?" HA! Some days, I tell him because it feels great, other days I want to tell him "I have NO IDEA!" Because that is the truth. So today after my run, 2.5 miles with some off roading, and hill training in the 80 degree weather, I sat down on the couch and thought "Seriously, WHY?"

I am on an AMAZING group on Facebook for my local running mamas and these women are so inspiring and most of them have a true love for running. It is what pushes me, what keeps me going. I am not one of those sickos that loves running. The 1st mile is ALWAYS the hardest. I spend my first 12 minutes, literally talking myself into sticking with it. For 12 minutes, the voice in my head screams for me to stop!! It tells me I am not a runner, who am I fooling?? It tells me I am too slow. That people are judging me. That little evil voice tells me to stop, that I will never get faster. It says "face it, Amber, you are just not a runner."

And for those first 12 minutes, I believe every stupid word. I turn up my music in hopes of drowning it out. I press on and focus on my breathing. Then the first mile passes and I think,  well if I can do a mile, I can certainly do another. And I press on. Then my legs tell me that I need to walk, and my lungs beg me to stop. And sometimes I give in and walk a few strides before I am ashamed of myself for walking, so I pick up the pace.

For many, running is therapeutic. It is their quiet time. Quiet time? My inner voice never shuts the hell up. I run miles on end with nothing but self doubt. My body is beyond capable. When will my mind catch up?? When will I stop doubting myself so much?

As I sat here today, I read a thread from my Run, Mama, Run group where all of the women told their "Why I started running" story. So I sat down and wrote mine. You remember the fat girl running story. The LOWEST point of my running career, by far.

It made me realize, that maybe I don't love running. But, I am not "that girl" anymore. I may not look like a runner in my day to day clothes. But when I lace up those running shoes, I am a runner. I am slow and I slouch too much, and I may look like I am dying for my entire run, but I am a runner. I may be full of self doubt and I may want to quit. But I don't. It is with that determination that I plan to complete a 10 mile training run this Sunday.

Why does someone who doesn't love to run, plan to run 10 miles, then a half marathon in 5 weeks? The answer is simple. I may not feel like a runner during mile 1 or even mile 2. I may not feel like a runner when I walk because my legs won't carry me anymore. But I DO feel like a runner when I cross that damn finish line. And one day I will love it...right? :)

Oh and if you are still following me and wanting to know how my weight loss journey is going, HELLOOOO 170's!!!!!! I am 177.9. My original goal was 155, but I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin and am reassessing my goal. I think 160 will make me happy!!

Stay tuned!

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