Day 63: Heartbreak and Moving Forward

Day 63...wow! 

Day 63! Our final packet for our home study has been submitted and now we wait for it to be written up and our home visit for the final approval so that we can apply to the federal government for approval to send our documents for translation and then to China.

This is a HUGE step forward in our process and it finally feels like progress :)

But, this process has not been without heartbreak.

2 weeks ago, I saw a picture of a sweet girl. I won't go into details. But I want to be honest and I want you to know and try to understand this.

I looked at this sweet girl and we weren't scared. Her diagnosis wasn't scary. Her delays weren't scary.

I looked at her pictures and her updates and I saw our daughter.

She was ours. 

I was preparing to switch agencies and lose money if necessary. She was my daughter. 

I placed her file on hold and I sent it to an international adoption specialist at a University Hospital. I waited for 4 long days. Over Easter, I was as present as I could be while I waited to hear back.

I trembled as I listened to the doctor and with every single word my heart was breaking. Again, I won't go into details but the file had a lot unknowns. And the unknowns pointed to a neurological issue. 

We took a few days and Steve and I talked. We talked even though we knew what we had to do. We talked in hopeful tones, but we knew we couldn't keep her. We had to take an honest look at what we want for our family. We had to take an honest look of what we wanted for our daughter. The unknowns were too much.

With a heavy heart and with fits of sobbing, I released her file so that her forever family could find her. I cried for days. I still cry for her. I cry for a baby who needs medical tests but she's an orphan and orphans don't rate high on a government's list of priorities. 

I cry because these aren't just files. These are babies. These are babies waiting on their families. Babies cast off and left to sit in an orphanage with very few people to fight for them.

I knew this journey wouldn't be easy. And I considered not blogging about this immense heartbreak but in the beginning, I committed to being upfront and honest with every step.

It's been just over a week since I returned her file. My heart still hurts, but I know her family is looking for her and someone will take those unknowns and they will bring her home because the unknowns won't matter to them. They'll have a picture of what their family will look like and they know she is the piece that fits the most.

Pray with me every day for her and for her forever family ♡